Pattern

Last Will And Testament

 

Please allow me to introduce myself. I was given a name at birth, but that’s not important. You can call me Joe Cool. I’m a hero. I’m at the helm. I do what I want. I’m special.

Yep, I’m an illusion. Deep down inside I know it. But who cares? I’m in control. Still in control…

I’m told I’m a disease. I’m told I impregnate the system, but how can that be? I’m NOTHING, really. I’m thought. I’m memory. I’m pure crystallization.

I’m static. I interpret. I judge. I always know what’s best. I always know what’s right. I’m selfish. So what? I don’t need anyone. I use others and others use me…

Sure, I have an agenda. And a busy agenda it is. I’m constantly justifying myself. I’m NOTHING. So what? As long as I’m in control, NOTHING else matters. I’m aggressive. I’m active. I’m influential. I tread on others. I’m spoiled. Did I tell you I’m in control? I’m illusion. I rebel. I fight. I scream. I howl. Still, nobody listens to me. No matter how much I cry, nobody cares. Duh. I’m NOTHING!

I’m limitation itself. Heck no. I’m endless within my illusion! I need to live. I’m immortal…until the day I die. Yep, I’ll die. So what? Everyone dies one day…

I’m structure. Or so I believe. I want to exist! I want to show off! I want to be important. I want to be acknowledged. I want to be acclaimed. I’m proactive. I’m always first in line. Or last, it doesn’t matter. As long as I get the attention I deserve. Always! I’m so childish…

I need to hang on. I need to survive. I’ll live forever. I’ll be remembered. Deep down inside, I know I do harm. So what? Everyone dies one day…

Body? What do you care? It’s mine, and mine alone. I take all my frustrations out on my body. It deserves to be punished. Who cares? One day I’ll die anyway…

Want to get to know me? No dice. I’ll hide as much as I can. And when my time comes, you won’t see me coming. No siree, Bob (Who the heck is Bob?). I’ll catch you by surprise. I’ll dump all my crap on you. Tough. I’m despicable. I’m manipulative. I’m arrogant. I’m blind…

I love blood. To hell with everything! I’m a tyrant, but sometimes I play the victim. I love seesaws. They bring me closer to people. Let the manhandling begin! Who cares? Everyone dies one day…

I’m really smart. I meet my needs and justify myself while I’m at it. I’m a sufferer. But then again, who isn’t? I’m entitled to my suffering. It earns me respect. It makes me proud. And when I’m knee-deep with suffering, I’ll be sure to beg for some more. Who cares? One day I’ll die anyway…

Cagey, cagey, cagey. I don’t need anyone else. I make up my own stories. I’m always fooling myself. Yep. That makes me happy. I’m happy because I’m always fooling myself. And whenever I’m sad, I have my excuses to cheer me up. That’s fine. That’s okay. Everything will be different next time. Hey, that’s what reincarnation is for, right? RIGHT? Until then, leave me alone. I’m suffering…and enjoying every last bit of it.

Somewhere within my shallowness I’m self-sufficient. I like this word. Shallowness. Well, what do you expect? I don’t want to drown. 

May all people conspire as they deem fit. Stop? Why stop? I don’t want to stop. I know I’m right! I must be right! An eye for an eye…blessed be Moses!

I love my stories. The world is filled with stories. Get lost. Let me express myself. Let me go on fooling myself. Let me go on contributing towards a crappier world. This way time goes by faster. This way I leave my mark on others. This way I can brand the cattle. Who cares? It’s always their fault anyway…

I hate mirrors.

I live in peace. I DO! I’m always imagining things. This way I won’t have to face the world. Who cares? The world is my oyster. And I want to eat it raw.

I love words. They're great. They're my refuge. They’re my weapons of choice. I live and thrive in a sea of words. Words are my shield against feelings. Well, feelings. Who needs feelings anyway?

My motto: much confusion and always on the move. And speaking of movement, which way is forward?

Now, where was I? Oh, yes, the words. I’m in command. Words are my tool. Words keep me safe and warm. Want to see?

Check this out. Watch me use words to get rid of my anger for good. I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, ANGER, ANGER, ANGER, ANGER, ANGER, AAAAAAARGH! Phew. See? I’ve dealt with my anger and now it’s gone. See how easy that was? What? Don’t believe me? TOUGH! You’re lucky you’re not here. Otherwise I’d BEAT THE LIVING CRAP out of you!

Well, enough talking. It’s time to lock myself down. It’s time to shut down. Yes. Shutting down makes me stronger. This is how I build my castles. Strong sheltering. Solid walls. No foundation whatsoever, but who cares?

No, wait. I think I’ll go on babbling. I feel better this way. Why do you say I’m afraid? I’m not afraid! I’ll just go on and on and on and on and on. I’m ruthless. I’m independent. I don’t need anything. I don’t need anyone. I’ll just move on. Of course I might stop every once in a while. I’m only human. Of course I might stop for a second to drink a little or smoke a little or have that sweet. 

What? It’s bad for me? Well piss off! How can I go on if I’m deprived of the small pleasures in life? How can I survive? How? How? Survive?

Oops, too late. I’m dead.

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